News from the jail: becoming a womanizer

At least I had the pleasure of being my own oracle, which is one of the few pleasures you can give yourself, alone. Since my believe system bars the way to the mountain. The direct way toward self fulfilment; I shall take the indirect road. The one that goes down the side, through the swamp and the dirt.

I suppose when I have validated myself as a male, it shall be easier to let it all go. It is the woman who you never fucked that will hunt your dreams when you are old. Not the one you fully took. In other words, I am committing myself to become really a womanizer. Enough of this wishy-washy. Half saint, half sinner.

I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

Neither fully. Neither deeply, neither totally. And since:

If you want to go to the left you need to go to the right,
if you want to go up you first need to go down

Then I am going bastard inside, and learn the Game. Study it in details; join a lair; go to workshops; practice; find wingmen; learn lines; and apply all the concentration, chi, energy, focus, power I have been able to pull off for my meditation for the questionable aim of picking up girls and making them happy… or at least sexually satisfied. I also might need to learn NLP, although I have moral issues in becoming an hypnotist for a laid.

I am starting by working on my clothing style. I am used to go around dressed like a bum. Which was ok for me, since I use to see myself as the incarnation of the natural-man. Spontaneity. The son of a cavewoman and Albert Einstein. Plus it made my inner game tighter. If you can be at ease covered and not dressed you can really be at ease everywhere, anyhow. But the fact of being at ease with rags, does not make your Game easier, just yourself more secure. You still need to take off the rags to Game well.¹ And now is the time.

I shall also make a list of books to read. Start to reframe myself for this topic. Understand when to push and when to pull. When am I getting an IOI, when an IOD and when a neg or a bitch-shield². I use to know a lot. I was not very succesful, but I would try hard. And I had discovered some of the principles that seem to be fundamental in the game. For example I used a fake time constraint all the time opening girls on the street. I would convey it by my body gesture, by the direction my feet where pointing, by the tome of my voice. But although I did some practice it was abviously not enough as I manage to f-close only few times… if we ignore the ones in which the woman just wanted me and took me regardless of all my social errors.

I need to learn to control the frame, and generally the martial art of social situation. Also note that I am already very good in doing all this in the academic world. I know I have value, and thus I am uninterested in everything-everyboody, while being also brilliant. This brought me to the point that I don’t need to search for jobs. Jobs, like trouble, hunt me. Well, I need to learn to do this also with the “gentle” sex.

In other words I need to transform myself from an AFC to a PUA³. And I want to do it without killing my naturality, but by enhancing.

It’s hard to meditate when you have no money to eat. Not just because you need to eat, but because you need to get your hands dirty with the world before leaving it. A similar principle is at work here. I can’t leave the game before having really faced, and mastered, the Game. It’s a compulsion, an genetic necessity, a morally reprovable act I just need to do to feel I have completely lived my life.

So, please, …

…tell my mother I am not coming back

——

1) Take off the rags and put on some clothes!

2) IOI=indicator of interest
IOD=indicator of disinterest
push=pushing a girl away, feigning disinteress, usually through a IOD.
pull=giving IOI to a woman, making her understand that she can still win you, if she tries.
The whole thing follows the cat string theory, and uses her attraction for the barely attainable to get her into building compliance momentum. This momentum is then used to escalate physically. It’s an art, and it can be mastered. It has been mastered plenty of times by people much more socially inept than me.

3) AFC= Average Frustrated Chump,
PUA= pick up artist.

I scare women

I scare woman. I don’t do it on purpose. In fact I hate it. But it wasn’t always so, many years ago I loved to be that important. I still would not do anything to actually scare a woman. But the thought of being the evil guy that makes the heart beat in a woman’s chest would give me a particular thrill. I practically lived all my life to become such man. And now that I feel I am such man, I realise the downside of it.

The first downside is that woman are easily scared, but not easily do they face and overcome their fear. They are quite happy to live in the land of dreams.
The second downside is that the women who are able to overcome their fear are often a bit older, a bit wiser, and a bit married. And I don’t go with married women.
The third downside is that such married women often tend to use you to get out from a marriage that has grown too confy. And since I don’t go with married woman, and after they are free they don’t need me anymore, the whole relation ends up being quite platonic.
The fourth downside is that I am not allowed to fall in love, ever. When I do I always pay a huge price. Because the man who makes their heart beat, the bandit, is good for a night, for an adventure. But as soon as he becomes a daily allowance, he has lost his aura.

Now the first downside has followup. The fact that women prefer to live in dreams, means that they will feel quite free to flirt, and play, and admire when they are in a safe situation. Either safe on the other side of the net, of the world, or of a relationship. But as soon as they are out of safety distance, fear kicks in, and they run away, or show (or feign) uninterest.

But what are women afraid of? They aren’t really afraid of me. It took me ages to realise it. For years I was obsessed by the thought of being evil inside. In some obscure ways, of which I myself was unaware of. When I found the car meter (the thing that counts how many kilometer had your car gone), on a different number I seriously wondered if I didn’t actually had a double personality, like in Fight Club. Then I rememberd that I went to fill up the tank, and all was cleared, but this shows you the kind of doubt that have been going around my head.

Had I raped someone in another lifetime? Maybe before I was born I did some terrible crimes, and here the reference is to Angel’s Heart, killing, making war. Who knows. Something that I forgot of, but of which a trace had remained in my karma, in my energy, in my way of facing the world. A trace that women could easily pick up. My father often told me: you scare women. They like you, but you scare them, so they keep away from you. Maybe admiring you from distance, but not getting near. And I do remember that often it was not in the moment in which I was full of energy that I conquered. But when I was tired, and maybe half ill. At that point I was more approachable, and women that knew me, would get near. Would open up.

So, this was my first guess: they are scared of my energy.

Now I have a second one:
they are not scared of me, they are scared of themselves.

And the third is that they are scared of being left.

Let’s see the second one. Many years ago I was in love for a woman. It was a desparate love that dragged itself for years, through poetries, datings, both of us growing up. One time I was speaking about it to an older friend. Much wiser. And he said something, he said, “are you in love with her, or are you in love with how you would be, to be such that she would actually want to be with you”. BINGO!
I still needed years to pull that off, but the secret was out. At least one of the secrets.

And I believe that here the secret is the same. At least in most cases.

I am a unique person. I have developed myself beyond many people of my generation. My interests range from religion, to economics, to politics, to science, to literature and poetry. I have a deep connection with my emotions, practice meditation, and I use to teach tai ji and qi gung. Many people think I am a genius.

In the last years I really started feeling my ming (chinese for destiny) unfold. I feel myself breath through all my interests, and I ignore where I will be in 3 years time, as so many new things unfold in my life around me.

This kind of life is unique. And is scary. No other person can have a similar life, simply because at a certain point you have to bring out who you are from your inside. And who you are is rich. Is abundant, is vast, is unbounded. But most of all, is unique. And bringing this out, means to start living, to actually live fully. To go toward being fully alive.

Nothing scares as much as life. Not even death. Death is easy, life is hard. I had to go through a lot to reach this place.

Now, the other thing is that you cannot be alive, and have a relationship with someone who is dead. She would become alive, or you would have to die, or the relationship would break apart (which is the most common result, actually). Is like fire, in the woods, it catches up. It spreads.

So women who likes me are often intruigued by me. Interested by all this. But also scared. And now I don’t believe a second they are scared of me. The only thing in me that might scare them is that I am quite unpredictable (as I said, the third reason, to be left). Fair enough. But the real thing that terrorize them, is to turn alive. Is to become unpredictable themselves. If I am unpredictable their picture is quite fixed. Only one mad person moves in a strange way. But if you yourself are unpredictable, then it is the whole picture, as you see it, that starts to go. Starts to spin, like for a dancing dervish.

And the more I go on, the more I develop who I really am, the bigger will the distance be between me and the average girl. The more they will admire, and the more they will be scared to jump. So the price that I pay for my growth is loneliness. But I would never have chosen differently!