Taking it like a man

Yesterday evening I was restless. I could not find peace. There was something that was needed. A pressure, a release. You know what I mean. Not the realization of life as a dance would release me of that. Nor some qi gung. Qi gung that, honestly I did as a mean, not as an end.

Sometimes when I am in this mood I dream of seducing, or just taking, your girls [the last phrase was meant as young girls, it came out as your girls. I think I’ll keep it that way]. Not this time. This time I was dreaming, nah, desiring, not exaclty, needing to be taken myself. I wanted to be the passive pole of an amazon woman. Dominated and taken sexually.

I know what does it mean. After so many years of grappling with my sexuality I know what each desire hides. This in particular has a very physical reason. A serious need. A need that any man of a certain age will understand, comprehend, and share.

Love as a mean

One of the thing that I am realising, in this autumn of my spring, is that I am not looking for a girlfriend, a companion, a femme, as an end, but as a mean. I don’t like it either, but I rather admit it than live in denial. But what do I mean, exactly. It means that I am looking for a companion to have a family. To build a family. Not to be lonely. To be able, more easily, to transform my rough sexuality into daily affection. I am not… finding a woman, and then wanting to have a relationship because I like her so much, and then wanting to deepen my relationship because I am curious, and then wanting to have kids to make our relationship immortal. No, no, no. I am putting the cart before the horse.

You might say, and you have reached half thirty to discover this truth. What have you been doing the rest of your life? Sleeping? Dreaming. Indeed I was, but I was dreaming that although I was putting the cart before the horse, I was actually able to change this. This was my dream.

Living at the edge

I am starting to believe that I, as a man, find my true expression when I am at the edge.

The words: ‘the way of the sword’, and ‘walking on a razor blade’ fits here nicely. And so you can see the difference between male and female sexuality. With male sexuality ending with ejaculation, while female sexuality doesn’t. And the concept of deciding, as a yang-masculine characteristics. Superficially seems very male oriented. But being a male, this becomes the realization that you can never be off guard. That you can never relax fully. If you read Gandhi description about Brahmacharya, you realise how it meant for him a continuous control, not just of his sexuality but of all his sense. ‘Walking on a razor blade’, again. One thought unguarded can lead to the end of weeks, months or years of careful cultivation. The past becoming irrelevant.

When I was a young man I liked to kiss my friends while laying atop of them. Just on the edge of the bed. One inch from falling. She would ask why? And I could not answer. I just would love it. As if there was something special in this, being an inch from utter destruction (it was a 20 cm fall, no big deal, but one can dream, right?). Sometime we also fell down, and laughed.

Now I don’t do it so much anymore. Partially because it is so rare that I see any action that I don’t want to ruin it in such a silly way. And partially because I tend to try to embody in my life my dreams. How this is so, depends from dream to dream.

For example, if I have been submissive in my life, or I accepted something that burned inside, later on, I might find myself having dominant sexual fantasies. Now I take it as a sign that I have not being assertive enough. While the dream of living on the edge would probably now be interpreted that I don’t risk enough in my life. And indeed at the time I was quite pampered.

I could write more about it, but I am so nicely relaxed by having just masturbated, that I really don’t feel like. Yeah, one distraction and whole word goes limp. And limp is no fun… but is very relaxing.