Nothing fundamental has changed

Lacking real material to post, I decided to repeat a quote that is sounding unpleasently precise.

It is from David Deida’s book, Intimate Communion:

The second stage man is also singularly deluded. At least the first stage man is up front with his wants: He wants big bucks and big breasts. The second stage man often hides his own emptiness and his own needs, even from himself. He has practiced meditation for 10 years, travelled all over Asia and india, he is a certified aikido master and psychotherapist, and, essentially, nothing fundamental has changed. He still feels unfinished.
…
Furthemore, he is older now, and he doesn’t have the energy and determination he once had.

Wow! I couldn’t have expressed it better. It only makes me wonder: how come I resonate so much with the second stage man, while I still desire to have sex, to have chicks, to have breasts (actually my specific is the female ass, you can’t get more dominant than that!)?

This is where I think I am stuck!

I had girls, and I had them so much, and I refused them so much that it is my responsability my loneliness. Remember my father:

I won’t feel bad for you,
you are lonely because you choose so.
You had wonderful girls,
and you always left them.

The decisions I took were inspired. Looking for better. For more. Or just for more in a different direction: inside instead than outside. But then I got hit by life. I got distracted. And I ended up nailed to the cross of my own decisions, while crying: “Goddes, oh Goddes, why have you abandoned me.”

There is no turning back. That’s why I need to develop authenthicity, integrity and death. My inside knows that it is not by having more chicks that I shall find my salvation. This is why I always fail. Because I did play, and I suceeded. And then I went on!

…still the doubt remains…

…eroding me.