The transformative power of falling in love

Tessa asked:
“What is this transformative effect suppose to be?”

In the context this was related to feeling attraction, or more precisely falling in love.

I realised the transformative effect of love many years ago. It’s not my own discovery. It was something that I found in the literature, and just realised how true it was. I think the first time I read about it was from Peter Schellenbaum. And I vaguely remember that it could be from: “The Wound of the Unloved: Releasing the Life Energy”. That was the first book from Schellenbaum I read, trying to find a way through my mother labyrinthic love. I later landed her the book as she was doing the same through her mother love. My grandmother did not need such book, so the wave of transformative power of it ended here.

In that book there are reports on how some monkeys relates to a mirror. It seem that there is a very sharp division among primates, as some species are able to realise that they are the one in the mirror, and some don’t. Those primates, when realise it for the first time get very excited. Very excited, and then eventually try all sort of ways to look at their back, and at their anogenital region. Let’s leave the anogenital region of monkeys and go back to the excitment.

According to Shellenbaum (and maybe the theory is older than him), the excitment parallels our excitment when we meet someone we fall in love with. Suddenly we see ourself in that person. This is in particularly true for those parts of ourselves that are not expressed consciously. Maybe you have the inner ability to be a great leader, but you never developed them. Then meeting someone who embodies those characteristics makes you feel very excited. If he is also so much taken by you, the two of you start to pass time together. By this communion, you slowly develop those characteristics, while he might be developing something else. Of course the theory does not make any gender difference. So people can fall in love for people of the same sex or for people of the opposite sex. It just happens that we tend to fall in love first for people of the same sex, as we first develop our identity inside our gender, and then we fall for people of the opposite sex.

I think this theory is quite well known in psychology, and I think I met it again and again, although I can’t really point out to any other occasion. Maybe at some point I might have read something from Osho stating that going from omosexuality to etherosexuality to loving God was the normal progression as a person developed psychologically.

Now interestingly the theory also explains why we fall in love more when we are young than when we are old. Why old people can fall in love for young ones. And why we so often fall in love for people who are just so different from us.

But more important the theory give us the ability to get out of love. Yes, just by applying it we can unhook the chain of love, and be free again. You might ask yourself why would someone want to do so, but as you know there are plenty of situation where living out the love is just impossible or unwise.

How do you do it?
Well, it takes great commitment, but essentially you need to look inside your heart, really inside. And with great honesty find out what are those characteristics that this person has that you would like to develop. The honesty is needed because you might not want to consciously accept those parts. Maybe he is violent and you are submissive, and you really don’t want to acknowledge consciously that you need to be able to express that level of violence in your life.

Now suppose that you found what you were projecting on him. Or her. You then, by yourself do all that is needed to develop those characteristics. Find a school, take secretly him or her as a model. Find other people who can help you. Give yourself permission to feel more, and to express more. Try new thing. In short experience that side of life that you have not experienced before, but you would naturally experience if you two were together. So you need to make an effort. And do it. And once you have done it, and once this is no longer a shadow but an experience, then do then next step and integrate it in your life. So that is part of you. So that it naturally get expressed in the right circumstance. Even in dreams, even when you are distracted. So that is you.

And then go back to the person you fell in love for. Are you still in love? What probably has happened is that you still feel love and desire for that person, but less. And interestingly this less is not so much a quantitative less, but a qualitative one. In some ways you don’t feel anymore desire. In some you still do, maybe as much as before. Maybe even more. Now go there and find what is the next thing that you are projecting on him. And so on.

Obviously a person who does not do this work consciously, but starts a love relationship will eventually make similar steps. Until both person have outgrown their initial desire, and are ready to move on.

Just to conclude this entry let me add that I have often used this technique when the situation required it. I also have told to some personal friends who were devoured by an impossible love. I remember one of them looking at me with unbelieving eyes, as she was saying: “you really mean that if I develop those characteristics within me, I will stop suffering?”. “yep”.