I scare women

I scare woman. I don’t do it on purpose. In fact I hate it. But it wasn’t always so, many years ago I loved to be that important. I still would not do anything to actually scare a woman. But the thought of being the evil guy that makes the heart beat in a woman’s chest would give me a particular thrill. I practically lived all my life to become such man. And now that I feel I am such man, I realise the downside of it.

The first downside is that woman are easily scared, but not easily do they face and overcome their fear. They are quite happy to live in the land of dreams.
The second downside is that the women who are able to overcome their fear are often a bit older, a bit wiser, and a bit married. And I don’t go with married women.
The third downside is that such married women often tend to use you to get out from a marriage that has grown too confy. And since I don’t go with married woman, and after they are free they don’t need me anymore, the whole relation ends up being quite platonic.
The fourth downside is that I am not allowed to fall in love, ever. When I do I always pay a huge price. Because the man who makes their heart beat, the bandit, is good for a night, for an adventure. But as soon as he becomes a daily allowance, he has lost his aura.

Now the first downside has followup. The fact that women prefer to live in dreams, means that they will feel quite free to flirt, and play, and admire when they are in a safe situation. Either safe on the other side of the net, of the world, or of a relationship. But as soon as they are out of safety distance, fear kicks in, and they run away, or show (or feign) uninterest.

But what are women afraid of? They aren’t really afraid of me. It took me ages to realise it. For years I was obsessed by the thought of being evil inside. In some obscure ways, of which I myself was unaware of. When I found the car meter (the thing that counts how many kilometer had your car gone), on a different number I seriously wondered if I didn’t actually had a double personality, like in Fight Club. Then I rememberd that I went to fill up the tank, and all was cleared, but this shows you the kind of doubt that have been going around my head.

Had I raped someone in another lifetime? Maybe before I was born I did some terrible crimes, and here the reference is to Angel’s Heart, killing, making war. Who knows. Something that I forgot of, but of which a trace had remained in my karma, in my energy, in my way of facing the world. A trace that women could easily pick up. My father often told me: you scare women. They like you, but you scare them, so they keep away from you. Maybe admiring you from distance, but not getting near. And I do remember that often it was not in the moment in which I was full of energy that I conquered. But when I was tired, and maybe half ill. At that point I was more approachable, and women that knew me, would get near. Would open up.

So, this was my first guess: they are scared of my energy.

Now I have a second one:
they are not scared of me, they are scared of themselves.

And the third is that they are scared of being left.

Let’s see the second one. Many years ago I was in love for a woman. It was a desparate love that dragged itself for years, through poetries, datings, both of us growing up. One time I was speaking about it to an older friend. Much wiser. And he said something, he said, “are you in love with her, or are you in love with how you would be, to be such that she would actually want to be with you”. BINGO!
I still needed years to pull that off, but the secret was out. At least one of the secrets.

And I believe that here the secret is the same. At least in most cases.

I am a unique person. I have developed myself beyond many people of my generation. My interests range from religion, to economics, to politics, to science, to literature and poetry. I have a deep connection with my emotions, practice meditation, and I use to teach tai ji and qi gung. Many people think I am a genius.

In the last years I really started feeling my ming (chinese for destiny) unfold. I feel myself breath through all my interests, and I ignore where I will be in 3 years time, as so many new things unfold in my life around me.

This kind of life is unique. And is scary. No other person can have a similar life, simply because at a certain point you have to bring out who you are from your inside. And who you are is rich. Is abundant, is vast, is unbounded. But most of all, is unique. And bringing this out, means to start living, to actually live fully. To go toward being fully alive.

Nothing scares as much as life. Not even death. Death is easy, life is hard. I had to go through a lot to reach this place.

Now, the other thing is that you cannot be alive, and have a relationship with someone who is dead. She would become alive, or you would have to die, or the relationship would break apart (which is the most common result, actually). Is like fire, in the woods, it catches up. It spreads.

So women who likes me are often intruigued by me. Interested by all this. But also scared. And now I don’t believe a second they are scared of me. The only thing in me that might scare them is that I am quite unpredictable (as I said, the third reason, to be left). Fair enough. But the real thing that terrorize them, is to turn alive. Is to become unpredictable themselves. If I am unpredictable their picture is quite fixed. Only one mad person moves in a strange way. But if you yourself are unpredictable, then it is the whole picture, as you see it, that starts to go. Starts to spin, like for a dancing dervish.

And the more I go on, the more I develop who I really am, the bigger will the distance be between me and the average girl. The more they will admire, and the more they will be scared to jump. So the price that I pay for my growth is loneliness. But I would never have chosen differently!